Commitment is a rather complicated subject, although in essence, quite simple.
Commitment, for example, is when I set up this blog and figured I would be posting regularly. But, (insert excuse) life happens, and even though I sank a few dollars into it, it was not enough to seriously commit to writing regularly.
However, my life has been full of other commitments lately. My son got diagnosed with high functioning autism (HFA), and after the initial shock and disbelief, came the commitment to make sure I do everything in my power to equip him with all the tools to manage his autism.
Since the last post, a lot has happened in my life. I got divorced from my son’s father – a rather tough decision, since I do believe marriage is a life long commitment. Talk about breaking commitment. On the other hand, I found love again with a boyfriend (with whom I have a rather long history) who accepts me as I am. We got engaged and married in June. Commitment!
I also bought a little house that needed more repairs than meet the eye, and through the stresses of it all, I committed myself to a 30 year mortgage and making it the best possible home I can. I’m still working on that one.
I also decided, right around new year, that I would write daily, for the love of writing, to get used to expressing ideas on paper… That lasted a whole 5 days, and none of it made it to my blog.
However, one special kind of commitment I have taken quite seriously is my mental health recovery. Oh yes, there have been moments on which I just want to throw the towel, but it’s been around 5 years since I started this recovery journey, and I must say I’m glad I have stayed committed, in spite of days of despair and desperation.
This is why I think commitment can be very complex. Oftentimes, you commit to an idea, to a promise that may not work as you expect. And then commitment comes crumbling down.
When I first committed to my recovery, my attitude was quite hopeful and naively remarkable. I thought I could beat depression in 8 weeks if I just put my mind to it. And for about 2 years I rarely missed appointments, groups, therapy, medication regimens, followed diets, etc. It was almost an obsession. Then one day, reality sank in. I was 2 years into a recovery treatment, and while I had made some strides, I hadn’t beat depression or PTSD or psychosis or fibromyalgia and to top it off, my migraines were becoming more frequent, more severe, and quite disabling. My son’s father, who at the time was my husband, started questioning whether I would ever get any better… And so did I.
My marriage fell apart (for a myriad of reasons) and had to start over. This was at the very least overwhelming, if not downright maddening. And I questioned commitment… Including my commitment to recovery, but I stuck by it. I knew I wasn’t getting the results I expected, but I was getting results.
Three years later, my life is better. Yes, I still struggle with all the aforementioned health issues but I have learned to manage.
And this is something I want to share with you. When you commit to recovering, you will recover. It might take you less time, or it might take you longer… (I’m still on the journey) but you will achieve results. I guarantee it because if you take care of yourself, nobody knows you better than you.
Commitment… So complex, yet so simple…